Exploitation Retrospect | The Journal of Junk Culture and Fringe Media
Dante's Inferno01/31/01: Bring Back Boomer and Other Stupid Bowl Thoughts

It's three days after the dreadful Super Bowl 35 and I'm still searching for something interesting to say. According to my own notes, the game was "officially" over when the Ravens – truly the most loathsome team I've ever seen lace it up on Super Sunday, and that goes from their owner on down – scored two TDs in the space of three plays.

Of course, we all know that it was pretty much over when the Giants ran that first inept series and Kerry Collins almost dropped two passes into the arms of the relentless Ravens D. Frankly, the Ravens D looked Collins in the eye, and the former Penn State QB flinched like a virgin in a John Holmes film. But, who could blame him. They scared me, and I was sitting in the relative safety of a cozy recliner several hundred miles away.

Some have whispered in my direction that Collins looked like he was tossin' the game, but I don't buy that. The Ravens did the same thing to Testaverde back in the last regular game of the season. The only difference there was that the Jets racked up some impressive numbers while Vinny T lobbed ball after ball into the arms of waiting Ravens. Admittedly, I am humbled by the results of this year's Bowl, though I can take some pride in making this prediction back before the season started:

    "Which leaves the door wide open for the Baltimore Ravens, another tough, talented team looking to gain ground on the Titans. The Ravens have an excellent defense (2nd in the NFL last year) and seriously upgraded their offense with the additions of Shannon Sharpe and RB Jamal Lewis. Plus, they play in a great stadium and could sneak away with the division if the Titans aren't careful...or healthy."

Unfortunately, I had all my dough on the Large People, so I'm not very happy.

And if you thought it was a bad year for the actual game, how about feeling some sympathy for those of us that spend more time discussing the merits of the much-hyped commercials than the actual contest? With dot-coms losing money like a network anchor loses his hair, CBS found themselves in an odd situation: having to take advertising from such dull as dishwater brands as Budweiser and Volkswagen! Most of the spots ranged from dreadful (eds.com attempting to repeat last year's "Cat Herders" buzz with the trite and unfunny "Running with the Squirrels") to insipid (VW's awful "Car in the Trees" and the itchy-skitchy Levis "Donor" spots), with very few bright moments in between. And, to spare you all, I'll avoid the entire subject of the maddeningly insulting "My Wife Smoked a Bunch and Now She's Dead, Don't You Feel Sorry for Me? Boo Hoo Fucking Hoo" anti-smoking spot.

What did we like? Well, Bud's "Yuppie Whassup?" was a moment of inspired self-parody, but they'd be wise to shelve it in favor of more original spots from the real "Whassup" guys. The Bud Light spot featuring "Dancing Cedric" was good, too, even if the payoff could be seen coming from a mile away. Personally, my vote for the best spot goes to E-Trade's "Crying Indian" parody in which the dancing monkey returned to ride through the dot-com wasteland. And even their "Retire with Dignity" spot (in which a retiree celebrating his anniversary feigns a heart attack for a comp at a ritzy eatery) gave me a good chuckle until it was time for Greg Gumbel to muff some more sideline details (an injury mysteriously traveled from a Ravens player's head to left wrist to right wrist) while the empty-headed Phil Simms called his partner "Craig" and overused the unimpressive "Eyevision" in maddeningly Maddenesque fashion.

And people complained about Boomer Esiason last year? Boomer, Boomer, where art thou Boomer?!

Remember gang, soberbrothers.com – your pop culture outfitters – is now open for business. Inventory is a bit thin, but we're adding stuff as fast as we can!

Until next week...

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