01/31/01:
Bring Back Boomer and Other Stupid Bowl Thoughts
It's three days after the
dreadful Super Bowl 35 and I'm still searching
for something interesting to say. According
to my own notes, the game was "officially"
over when the Ravens – truly the most
loathsome team I've ever seen lace it up
on Super Sunday, and that goes from their
owner on down – scored two TDs in the
space of three plays.
Of course, we all know that
it was pretty much over when the Giants
ran that first inept series and Kerry Collins
almost dropped two passes into the arms
of the relentless Ravens D. Frankly, the
Ravens D looked Collins in the eye, and
the former Penn State QB flinched like a
virgin in a John Holmes film. But, who could
blame him. They scared me, and I was sitting
in the relative safety of a cozy recliner
several hundred miles away.
Some have whispered in my
direction that Collins looked like he was
tossin' the game, but I don't buy that.
The Ravens did the same thing to Testaverde
back in the last regular game of the season.
The only difference there was that the Jets
racked up some impressive numbers while
Vinny T lobbed ball after ball into the
arms of waiting Ravens. Admittedly, I am
humbled by the results of this year's Bowl,
though I can take some pride in making this
prediction back before the season started:
"Which leaves the door
wide open for the Baltimore Ravens,
another tough, talented team looking to
gain ground on the Titans. The Ravens
have an excellent defense (2nd in the
NFL last year) and seriously upgraded
their offense with the additions of Shannon
Sharpe and RB Jamal Lewis. Plus, they
play in a great stadium and could sneak
away with the division if the Titans aren't
careful...or healthy."
Unfortunately, I had all my
dough on the Large People, so I'm not very
happy.
And if you thought it was
a bad year for the actual game, how about
feeling some sympathy for those of us that
spend more time discussing the merits of
the much-hyped commercials than the actual
contest? With dot-coms losing money like
a network anchor loses his hair, CBS found
themselves in an odd situation: having to
take advertising from such dull as dishwater
brands as Budweiser and Volkswagen! Most
of the spots ranged from dreadful (eds.com
attempting to repeat last year's "Cat
Herders" buzz with the trite and unfunny
"Running with the Squirrels")
to insipid (VW's awful "Car in the
Trees" and the itchy-skitchy Levis
"Donor" spots), with very few
bright moments in between. And, to spare
you all, I'll avoid the entire subject of
the maddeningly insulting "My Wife
Smoked a Bunch and Now She's Dead, Don't
You Feel Sorry for Me? Boo Hoo Fucking Hoo"
anti-smoking spot.
What did we like? Well, Bud's
"Yuppie Whassup?" was a moment
of inspired self-parody, but they'd be wise
to shelve it in favor of more original spots
from the real "Whassup" guys.
The Bud Light spot featuring "Dancing
Cedric" was good, too, even if the
payoff could be seen coming from a mile
away. Personally, my vote for the best spot
goes to E-Trade's "Crying Indian"
parody in which the dancing monkey returned
to ride through the dot-com wasteland. And
even their "Retire with Dignity"
spot (in which a retiree celebrating his
anniversary feigns a heart attack for a
comp at a ritzy eatery) gave me a good chuckle
until it was time for Greg Gumbel to muff
some more sideline details (an injury mysteriously
traveled from a Ravens player's head to
left wrist to right wrist) while the empty-headed
Phil Simms called his partner "Craig"
and overused the unimpressive "Eyevision"
in maddeningly Maddenesque fashion.
And people complained about
Boomer Esiason last year? Boomer, Boomer,
where art thou Boomer?!
Remember gang, soberbrothers.com
– your pop culture outfitters –
is now open for business. Inventory is a
bit thin, but we're adding stuff as fast
as we can!
Until next week...
