7/20/98: COMPUTERS HATE ME...NAKED AMATEURS...MORE ARMAGEDDON CANDY...THE TRUTH ABOUT THE REAL WORLD

Well, this week's column is only a whopping three days late...four days by the time anyone reads this. In fact, I contemplated pulling the plug on this week's installment altogether, but that's the kind of thing The Hungover Gourmet tries to pull, not a respected journalist like moi.

The trouble all started about ten days ago after the last DI was placed up on the web. A client based on the other side of the state needed me to upgrade my trusty little Mac Quadra 630 to that newfangled OS8 (that's Mac-speak for Operating System 8) in order to access their servers. Never one to look some gift work in the mouth I obliged and plunked down $120 for the new software.

"Sure," I kept telling myself, "I need this anyway." Yeah, like a hole in the head.

Friday's initial installation went, well, okay. In fact, things were just ducky until I was on the phone with someone telling them how well the installation had gone. Normally, I'd have waited till about the third or fourth version of the system software hit the shelves begore I went hog wild. You know, my machine isn't on a network, it's just me, and I'm very happy with how things are. Don't fuck with it, in other words.

Upon getting off the phone after raving about OS8's alleged stability I started up my machine...or well, maybe a better way of saying it is, "I tried to start up my machine." Sad Macs all around. System Enablers crashing, software refusing to load, preference files mysteriously deleted, and Photoshop type that looked all kindsa screwy.

This does me no good. Photoshop, Quark, and HTML are what pay the bills around here, and not having them work is not a good thing. Several hours on the phone with Apple "support" later and I'm trying to do what I already figured I'd have to try at some point...the dreaded erase that hard drive and start from scratch. Sure, there was a good four years worth of junk and detritus clogging up the arteries of my hard drive, but was all this agony really my punishment for years of "dirty" installs? Ugh.

To make a long story short, my Mac is now working, but if I want to use Photoshop I have to shut off virtual memory, reboot and go back to work. This isn't a little bit annoying. Tomorrow I'll be waiting for the happy overnight guy to deliver another 16 megs of RAM in order to actually use all of my software without having to reboot any time I switch applications.

The moral to the story? Figure it out yourself...I used to be so damn smart and now look what's happened.

Unfortunately, all this HAL-like nonsense has left little time for junk culturing this week, but I do have a few news releases from the outposts...

Everyone knows that the net and naked amateurs go together like Hollandaise and asparagus, like Scotch and a beer back. And while I do like the instant gratification the net delivers, I'd rather be using it to purchase books, sell my junk culture crap, and, yes, order videos of naked amateurs.

To me, nothing beats having that video on hand (so to speak) in order to rekindle some memories or share with others. But trawling through the web to find hot, kinky amateurs is sort of time-consuming. I could be out finding a cure for cancer, solving the underage drinking problem, or getting more Chilean red wine for dinner. That's why you need The Amateur Video Yellow Pages, clearinghouse for info about the hottest tail offering homegrown, homemade videos.

The publication is brought to you by the fine folks that publish Homemade Hot Shots Magazine and the Kinky Personals web site. Need I say more?

We reported last week on the Nuclear Blast bar, a crunchy Nestle candy bar that included popping candy (Pop Rocks) as a tie-in to the disaster flick ARMAGEDDON. If only as much thought had gone into the film's THE DIRTY DOZEN IN SPACE plot as apparently went into the cross-candy-merchandising.

Another trip to the grocery store netted another ARMAGEDDON tie-in, this one far more sinister and involving. While the Nestle Nuclear Blast Bar didn't really get you involved until you bit into it, the Armageddon Asteroid is a hollow chocolate sphere filled with "meteroite candy". I haven't braved the freezer in order to actually eat these concoctions, but I'll certainly report back -- or have The Hungover Gourmet eat them -- with the grisly details.

Last, and certainly least, is another follow-up to an item in last week's column.

Despite what you might glean from the pages of ER or a quick trip 'round this site, I don't watch that much TV. I don't really like TV these days, especially ABC's continuingly insulting "TV is bad" ad campiagn. Folks, it was clever for about ten seconds.

Anyway, my viewing is pretty predictable: BATMAN on the WB at 4:30 each weekday. JEOPARDY! each night at 7. And THE SIMPSONS, KING OF THE HILL, SOUTH PARK, MILLENNIUM, and 90210 when their new seasons are in full swing.

Those are the only shows I consider "must-sees", though I have developed an odd affinity for a show that many of my friends hate: TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND A PIZZA PLACE. But that's neither here nor there.

To me, THE REAL WORLD is my summer replacement for 90210. Most, if not all, of the character are unsympathetic assholes, their dilemmas have nothing to do with "the real world" or my world, and I'd like to see them disappear into the black hole of pop culture iconography.

But dammit, they get me to tune in each week.

So, when I tuned in July 7th and found no 'Real World' on MTV at 10 pm Tuesday night, I was a bit miffed...to say the least. Oh sure, I ranted and railed about the apartment for a good 20 minutes, but then I took matters into hand. I fired off a nasty e-mail to MTV. I'm guessing that an insulting diatribe about what an asshole Kurt Loder is is pretty low on their priority list these days. I'm sure that's why I haven't received an official reply!

The lone mature member of our staff -- my older brother -- took it upon himself to find out why the episode didn't air as scheduled. After telling him there was "no reason," the pesky MTV operator hung up on him! The cajones it must take to hang up on a devoted, 40-year-old viewer! I guess he won't be purchasing any MTV Beach House attire!

Fortunately all is well, and the episode aired this past Tuesday. Will Nate Dog punch out Stephen? Will Lindsay get any air time? Can Irene please do something about that voice? Tune in next time for more 'Real World' notes and more plugs, rants, and shameless self-promotion!

That's it for this week...