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Home Entertainment | Review by Dan Taylor
When the credits on this baby
start, you KNOW you're in for a cinematic
experience that good or bad, won't soon
be forgotten. Our stars include The Barbarian
Brothers (two over-steroided goliaths seen
in the classic DC CAB), Richard Lynch (fresh
off BAD DREAMS success), and the ever-present
Michael Berryman as something called "The
Dirtmaster." Add in music by Pino Donnagio
and direction from Ruggero Deodato and you
know you're in for a real tweet!
And it came as no surprise
to this viewer that Deodato delivers the
goods right off the bat. Remember, we're
talking about the man responsible for the
classic CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, not some rank
amateur. In the first ten minutes we're
treated to no less than ten, good, on-camera
mutilations including Lynch having two fingers
bitten off by an adolescent barbarian. Needless
to say, Deodato doesn't flinch and the camera
lovingly takes it all in. Those wacky Eyetalians
sure know how to make MOVIES!!!
So Lynch (playing some guy
named Kadar) and his men really show their
ability as warriors by capturing a traveling
show of jugglers and acrobats. Oh boy, we're
all sure impressed down here. The queen
of the circus trades her freedom for the
little barbarians lives and Lynch says,
"Put her in chains." Wrong. EVERYBODY
gets put in chains! And in my favorite flexing
of his conquering muscle, Lynch tells a
group of grimy, filthy, sex-starved mutants:
"The women are yours." Eeeaaawwww!!!
Fifteen or so years pass,
and no attempt is made to change the sets,
wardrobes, or actors to show the passage
of time (for more on my hatred for this
insult to my intelligence, see STRANGELAND).
In fact, Lynch, Berryman and the queen chick
are dressed in the exact same clothes
as they were when the Barbarians were just
little boys. Now THAT'S continuity!
Pretty soon we find out that
this sacred ruby is the cause of all the
hub-bub, the Barbarians escape and soon
we're getting treated to the Steroid Abbott
& Costello as the two puddin' heads
attempt to turn the flick into an action-comedy.
Believe me...as soon as the Barbarians speak
("speak" is a relative term...let
me say "open their mouths") the
film automatically loses a whole star.
Finally, we get a 15-20 minute
climax where Deodato throws every cheezoid
monster he can get his hands on onto the
screen. Soon we're treated to green gunkola
and vibra-vision, but not much is happenin'.
The "surprise" ending is visible
ten minutes into the film, and Lynch really
isn't that bad a guy...he's just kind of
misunderstood.
