It's
hard to imagine that anyone watching B.
MONKEY (Michael Radford's follow-up to IL
POSTINO, which earned him an Oscar nomination)
could be surprised by much of what comes
after the opening scene. In an era when
we've all seen a handful of takes on the
"criminal trying to go straight but
their past catches up with them" theme,
B. MONKEY doesn't have lots to ofer. But
it's hardly unreleasable, as Miramax deemed
it shortly before its scheduled release
date.
Asia Argento (daughter of
Italian horror-mesiter Dario) stars as the
titualr B, a dark, mysterious, tattooed
former thief looking to make a break from
her life of crime. When she meets pale,
dumpy Alan (Jared Harris) she begins falling
for the romantic, jazz-loving teacher who
also djs for a hospital radio station (huh?!).
Passionate love afair follows, but only
after we work through an awkward, but quickly-resolved,
subplot in which Alan can't get it up with
the shed-my-clothes-at-the-drop-of-a-hat
B until there's some wooing. Again, huh?!
Too bad poor Beatrice (that's
what the "B" stands for, but don't
ask me to explian the "monkey"
part) can't shake ringleader Paul (a horribly
underused Rupert Everett) or Bruno, the
apparently bisexual lover she shares with
Paul. There's a creepy, almost incestual
vibe between Bruno (Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
and B, even though you never see them gettin'
it on. And when Bruno asks if Alan would
give his life for B, you get no points for
connecting the dots to the finale's big
moment!
I'd love to be sitting here
raving about B. MONKEY, but my heart's just
not in it. The filmmakers never make B somebody
that we care all that much about...I was
far more interested in seeing if she'd shed
her clothes again than in seeing if she'd
shed her criminal past. Yes, Argento's sexy
(in an odd, cross-eyed kinda way) and often
nude, Nude, NUDE, but it ain't worth your
$5 rental fee. I'm sure somebody's got the
screen captures up on the Web.
If you're looking for a lazy
way to spend and evening – and get
a little sexd up in the process – B.
MONKEY won't be a horrible waste of time.
Other than that, forget it.
