Review by Dan Taylor
I
won't go so far as to say that CHARLIE'S
ANGELS is the worst film I've ever seen.
Especially when you consider that I walked
out of REVENGE OF THE NERDS 2 as well as
the Ted Danson, Howie Mandel vehicle A FINE
MESS. And, I've somehow made it through
such cinematic delights as BLOOD
DINER, HORROR
HOUSE ON HIGHWAY 5, and the vapid REINDEER
GAMES. But none of these flicks approach
the inexplicable commercial and critical
success that this horrible 70s-tv-remake
enjoyed.
The flick opens with a Bond-inspired
pre-credit sequence as Natalie (Cameron
Diaz), Dylan (Drew Barrymore), and Alex
(Lucy Liu) do, well, something. I'm not
even sure what it was. I know it had something
to do with diamonds, a guy with a bomb strapped
to him, and wacky inside jokes about movies
made from 70s TV shows (the in-flight is
the TJ Hooker movie). A friend of mine saw
CA on a flight to Vegas and they cut this
sequence out, I suppose because you don't
want your passengers getting the idea that
it's okay to open the exit door and leap
from the plane. I was just jealous that
he got to see five minutes less of this
dreck.
From there the film ping-pongs
between tedious and insulting as we're treated
to an opening montage of the Angels getting
beckoned from their "real" lives
to report to their unseen, only heard boss,
Charlie (again voiced by John Forsythe).
Dylan escapes from the unbearable Tom Green
as a tugboat captain, but it's inevitable
that he'll turn up again. (Note to Tom...
the marriage to Drew officially marked the
end of your 15 minutes. You may want to
buzz Tom Arnold so you know what comes next.)
Alex wants to have domestic bliss with her
action star boyfriend (the sadly typecast
Matt LeBlanc), but her double-life keeps
getting in the way. Awwww. And pity poor,
super-smart, but oh-so-ditzy Natalie...
she may be bright and beautiful, but that
doesn't stop her from walking into walls
and wanting to shake her bony white ass.
The plot – which makes
the TV-show look Bochco-ish in its complexity
– revolves around some sort of stolen
voice recognition software, a kidnapping,
double crosses, and a plot to kill Charlie
that seems woefully twelfth hour. But it's
hard to keep track, pay attention or generally
give a rat's ass when presented with any
or all of the following questions:
1. Who comes off worse, Bill
Murray or Tim Curry? That's a tough one,
especially during the scene in which they
both don sumo fat suits and play wrestle
during a cocktail party. To his benefit,
Curry (as villain Roger Corwin) did negotiate
an early exit from the debacle, so he's
spared the scenes of Murray (as Angels supervisor
Bosley) hamming it up for the camera, using
his MEATBALLS voice (you expect him to launch
into the "Rudy the Rabbit" speech
at any moment), or making a mockery of the
good memories we have from when he was funny.
2. Are you tired of the MATRIX-inspired
super slow-mo effects yet? Well, if you're
not, you will be after watching CHARLIE'S
ANGELS. From hair flips to helmet removals,
high-flying kicks to walking down the street,
CA is so overloaded with these effects you
wonder how long the flick would be if it
had been shown in real time.
3. Why does every scene need
a song in it? Maybe somebody should've alerted
director McG (Joseph McGinty Nichol, a former
video and commercial helmer) that good movies
don't necessarily need a song in every scene.
And especially not an abundance of tunes
with the word "angel" somwhere
in their lyrics. Tedious and insulting,
but then again, that's what the movie is.
4. And this may be the most
important question of all, why was this
a smash while the far superior JOSIE
AND THE PUSSYCATS was critically savaged
and commercially ignored? This flick panders
to an audience that it insults and is devoid
of any genuine laughs or thrills, while
JOSIE sports a clever concept, actors that
are having fun with their roles, and hot
chicks out the wazoo. Sure, CA has that
one great scene of Diaz shaking her Underoo-clad
ass in front of a mirror, but JATP is like
90 minutes worth of Rosario Dawson and Rachel
Leigh Cook!
Surprisingly, for what is
essentially a chick action flick, it's a
trio of guys that emerge mostly unscathed
from the proceedings. Crispin Glover (a
fave of ours since his magical turn in FRIDAY
THE 13TH PART 4) is creepy and sinister
as The Thin Man, a silent assassin who gives
the Angels all they can handle. Sam Rockwell
gets the best role of all and hams it up
in a good way as the double-crossing "client."
And Luke Wilson is his usual charming self
as Pete, the bartender who falls for Natalie.
Brother Owen may be getting all the press
of late, but Luke's easy-going charms and
natural humor will make him just as big
a star some day.
