There have been some high concepts in the Empire/Full Moon stable before. Good vampire vs. bad vampire. Puppets that come to life and kill. Demonic toys. A doll-sized cop. But this one might actually take the cake: what if Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and the Mummy were all about 3' tall? I've seen coffee commercials with more depth!

For an R-rated flick, CREEPS starts off on a surprisingly light note as a jolly professor-type (Bill Moynihan) steals a rare book collection's edition of Frankenstein. I was getting a little suspicious, but then they toss in a lesbo-librarian (Kristin Norton) and a straight-librarian (Rhonda Griffin) and I started to think there might be something going on here. When will I learn?

THE CREEPS is the most horrible thing I've seen in ages. It's more like an extended episode of 'Goosebumps' directed by a recent film school grad than the work of a director (Charles Band) with a respectable, if not particularly distinguished, track record. After all, this is the man who directed TRANCERS, brought us a grown-up Helen Hunt, and introduced the line, "Dry hair's for squids." Can anyone who accomplishes that be all bad?

Apparently, the answer is "yes." And at 80-minutes long, THE CREEPS is barely worth counting as a "movie." Sure there's a couple creepy midgets in Halloween costumes crawling on a half-naked chick, but we're also subjected to a lead actress whose voice could make Helen Keller scream, and bad in-jokes about Jess Franco, Ruggero Deodato's CUT & RUN, and Hong Kong cinema. In the long run, it all adds up to an unremarkable way to spend a Saturday night. Or Sunday afternoon. Or any time of the day or week.