Okay I'll get to the obvious joke titles right away. DEEPSTAR SINKS? Or how 'bout DEEPSTAR SUCKS? With that off my chest, let's talk about this lame-brained piece of garbage.

DEEPSTAR SIX is an insipid "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" episode headed by a not-so-stellar cast. An underwater quasi-military complex is setting up some kind of nuclear missile stash. A mining explosion, hurried due to rapidly approaching deadlines, unearths a primordial crab from Hell that hates light (especially bright ones) and things that move around alot. The quasi-military personnel have lots of bright lights and move around alot. So they start to die.

This is essentially a 1950s "monster on the loose" flick, which is why Fred Olen Ray should've directed it. He would've thrown in interesting actors like David Carradine, Robert Quarry, Martin Landau — actors with character. He would've made it real cheap and real fast. Within the first five minutes every character would be introduced with a very specific ability or weakness which would obviously come into play throughout the course of the film. And the audience would've had tons o' fun.

What Fred most certainly would not have done is let Greg Evigan (of "BJ & The Bear" and "My Two Dads" fame) near the set, let alone be the actual star! He would not have shown long and boring shots of people going back and forth between two separate underwater bases. He would not have kept all of the female lead's clothes on. He definitely would not have done that. About the only thing this flick did that Fred woul've done is make the monster so cheap looking that you piss your pants with laughter.

The only real reason to see DEEPSTAR SIX is for the fabulously off-the-wall performance by Miguel Ferrer (ROBOCOP). The scene with him, a shark-killing compression stick and another man's chest is a mind kick. Other than that, catch this ugly bitch on cable. With lots of beers.