Every
few years it seems that Hollywood attempts
to resuscitate the creature flicks that
packed the drive-ins back in the 1950s and
60s. Flicks like TREMORS, BLUE
MONKEY, DEEP BLUE SEA, ANACONDA and
LAKE
PLACID have all met with varying degrees
of success, though none have set the box
office afire.
Which makes me wonder what
the makers of this summer's EIGHT LEGGED
FREAKS were thinking. Was the movie-going
public clamoring for a 21st century update
of THEM!? Starring David Arquette and Kari
Wuhrer? Not to mention Doug E. Doug as a
conspiracy-obsessed pirate radio broadcaster?
Directed by Ellory Elkayem,
ELF has its heart – and cliches – in the
right place. Arquette stars (?!) as Chris
McCormack, the prodigal son returning home
after a prolonged absence. Wuhrer keeps
the peace – and her top on, unfortunately
– as Sheriff Sam Parker, which begs the
question: Is it me, or do all the female
sheriffs, FBI agents and government scientists
in these flicks have guys' names?
Throw in the precocious, spider-obsessed
kid (Scott Terra as the sheriff's son),
chain-smoking aunt (Eileen Ryan), bumbling
deputy (Rick Overton), greedy mayor (Leon
Rippy), gaggle of horny teens and an assortment
of other wacky, small-town types, and, well,
you get the picture.
Unfortunately, ELF suffers
from the problem that plagues most of these
flicks – the inability to decide if it
wants to be taken seriously as a scary monster
flick or give the folks a light-hearted
chuckle for their $8.50. Too bad the filmmakers
forgot that the best pictures of this type
(JAWS and TREMORS for instance) delivered
plenty of both without the clunky, on-screen
gear shifting were forced to sit through.
You'll get no points from
me for identifying who'll live to the credits
and who's a bona fide, card-carrying member
of the FDA. Future Dead of Arizona, that
is, where the movie is set.
Instantly forgettable, EIGHT-LEGGED
FREAKS can't hold up to the inevitable comparisons
to such flicks as the original THEM! (with
its high-pitched spider chatter), ARACHNOPHOBIA,
or the highly-underrated KINGDOM OF THE
SPIDERS starring William Shatner.
