Review by Louis Fowler | Available from Shriek Show | Buy at Amazon.com
The cover of this DVD reads: "Alien vampires have just landed from outer space... in search of the one substance they need to survive... TEENAGE BLOOD!" It sounds like a b-movie must have, right? Of course it does! Well-stocked with early 80s mall-hair, horrible teen dialog and alien costumes that look like they were made by broke Rocky Horror conventioneers, it don't get cheesier than this!
It's summer time in a college town and the kids are alright. How alright? Alright enough to be fucking each other non-stop in a lakeside orgy of collegiate bacchanalian delights. Seriously – the first twenty minutes, before any aliens even show up, is wall-to-wall silicone. And while normally this would not bore me, dammit, when the box brags about “alien vampires”, I want to see some blood, not titties, being sucked.
But maybe I'm alone in that contingent.
My wishes are eventually granted as said sex-crazed teens start to be routinely taken captive by two geriatric mechanics – Aldo Ray and Neville Brand, if you will – who look so brittle you wonder why the prisoners just didn't give ‘em a good swift kick to the hip. They had to have been 190, collectively. Regardless, the kids are taken to an abandoned hospital where the box-proclaiming alien vampires – made up of the relatively unscary "Paycheck please!" crew of John Carradine, Julie Newmar and Tina Louise – have set up base. Their footage seems so out of place; at times it feels like it was inserted from a different film as an afterthought. Believe me – this temporal displacement only makes the film better! Much more boobage and aimless running around in the dark ensues, as does rampant confusion as you try to figure out what the Hell is going one. Honestly, I'm still at a loss for too much of an explanation.
The best thing to say about EVILS is that it's the best MST3K film MST3K never did. It's a film that dares you – fucking dares you, I say – to sit through it. It's the kind of film that inspires you to gather your friends together, grab a couple of six-packs of Pabst and kick-off a monthly bad movie night.
As a matter of fact, I think that's exactly what I'll do. Thanks, EVILS OF THE NIGHT!
