Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the movies, Cannon Releasing reared its fat, ugly head and emerged from the ashes like some disfigured phoenix to coat the cinematic world with its diseased seed!

Yes, it's FIFTY/FIFTY, another high-concept, low-thought classic from the people who brought us INVADERS FROM MARS, LIFEFORCE, RIVER OF DEATH, and other shameless excuses for a tax write-off.

FIFTY/FIFTY stars wooden action-hero Peter Weller and the tragically underused Robert Hays as a Butch and Sundance-esque mercenary duo who finally find themselves staring a major payday in the face. For helping overthrow an evil (natch) dictator, they will receive not only $250,000 each, but also peace of mind in knowing that for once they are on the right side.

Steeped in tv-movie-of-the-week plot twists, the movie predictably lumbers towards its conclusion without too many surprises. To the credit of the screenwriters and director Charles Martin Smith (who is third-billed as the boys' CIA operative), the film occasionally veers wildly off course and abruptly changes tone and approach. Unfortunately, those detours either lead to gags that were rejected for the POLICE ACADEMY tv series or valiant attempts at dramatic bravado that even a hardened filmgoer like myself found questionable.

The only true surprise in the film is the exemplary work of Robert Hays. Hays – whose greatest role for me was playing Brad Benson, the rich pediatrician on tv's rags-to-riches sitcom "Angie" – steals the film as the slightly off, but extremely lovable, mercenary with a fondness for gooey chocolate junk food. While stealing scenes from the almost-living Weller is no great shakes, Hays invests the flick with what little life it has. And in his most compelling scene, he drunkenly debates whether or not to have sex with a goat that has been keeping him company. This is one of those little performances that gets overshadowed by those pesky prestige releases.