Would Hollywood really be Hollywood if it didn't jump on the bones of every sickening trend, fad, or flavor-of-the-moment that came rolling down the pike? How incomplete would our lives have been without: ROLLER BOOGIE (disco roller-skating), KRUSH GROOVE (rap), BREAKIN' and BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO (breakdancing), THE FORBIDDEN DANCE (the Lambada), and CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC, SPICE WORLD, COOL AS ICE, and HEAD (pop-star vanity projects masquerading as cinema)? But, the idea of an entire flick based around bubble-gum cards parodying a popular children's toy? That's stretching the concept further than even I'm comfortable with!

Cabbage Patch Kids -- for those of you young enough, sheltered enough, or just plain lucky enough -- were ugly, polyester-filled dolls with fat, round faces created by Xavier Roberts in 1977. The dolls, which were "offered for adoption" (not "sold") didn't become a household name until Christmas of 1983, when the rush for the now-mass-produced versions started riots that made Chicago '68 look like a Love-In! Arms were broken, store managers armed themselves with bats and helmets, and somewhere the idea of a parody was hatched.

Garbage Pail Kids were hideously deformed or simply repulsive characters created for Topps Chewing Gum that parodied the just-as-hideous Cabbage Patch Kids. Not unlike the Wacky Packs that were popular when yours truly was in grade school, the GPK appealed to the sick, sleazy, and gross in all of us. And they were popular enough to spawn 15 series of cards and stickers, candy, t-shirts, a Saturday morning cartoon show (which never aired thanks to parental outcry), and this 1987 full-length film.

Filled with all the trappings of a mid-to-late 1980s flick, THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE opens with a STAR WARS-inspired shot as a garbage pail spaceship flies by and spits out cards representing the film's stars, namely Cap'n Manzini (Anthony Newly), the hideously spunky Dodger (Mackenzie Astin who starred in this summer's LAST DAYS OF DISCO), and the titular kids: Valerie Vomit, Windy Winston (who farts for effect), the rancid Foul Phil, acne-ridden bed-wetter Nat Nerd, Ali Gator, Greaser Greg, and the snot-caked Messy Tessie. Unfortunately, this is as clever as the flick gets.

The anemic story has Dodger getting the kids to help him win the affections of the big-haired Tangerine by designing clothes! Like some sort of kids show on acid there's a feeble attempt at a message (beauty is on the inside, or some such bullshit), a musical number (!), and 80s flick chestnuts like "the friendly bikers that help the heroes".

A unique, "how did this get made?" mess that has to be seen to be believed.