In her interview for this zine, Tyffany Million mentioned that she never worked in amateur porno -- she went straight to "the pros." I probably would've bought that comment at face value had I not rented GENERALLY HORNY HOSPITAL, one of the more than 100 skin flicks Ms. Million worked on in her career as a mattress-back. Written, filmed and acted on a level that nearly reaches a grade school production shown on public-access television, the flick is also so dull and unerotic that it'd scarcely cause an erection on a recently released felon.

Granted, it's been some time since I rented any hardcore, and my tastes always ran toward the seamier sides of town. Yet, it's hard to believe that production values have taken such a noticeable dive in that short time, or that the sex has been reduced to a laundry list of positions and pairings that had me stifling a yawn more than once.

Million is top-billed -- probably owing as much to her stature in the industry as the fact that she co-produced, directed and wrote the production -- though she only appears in one scene. And despite her involvement behind the camera, she's still required to tryst with the ever-lovable Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy. Puffier than ever -- with a physique that suggests he's swallowed a watermelon -- Jeremy brings a much-needed air of porn's sleazier days to the proceedings. Long gone are the days of amusing studs like Harry Reems or freaks of nature like John Holmes. Instead, the male cast includes such nothings as Steven St. Croix, Ritchie Razor and Nick East...none of whom can deliver their lines with anything approaching the Hedgehog's casual, yet sleazy, charms.

Sarah Jane Hamilton (as Dr. Iva Melons), Amber Woods (Nurse Dori Docket) and Jeanna Fine (Nurse Honey Bunny Buster) get the lion's share of female screen time, and elicited little more than passing interest in this reviewer. Like their male counterparts, these siliconed starlets can't hold a flame to the likes of Seka and Marilyn Chambers, or even recent stars like Nina Hartley and Ginger Lynn.

And for you purists, a source close to our staff insists that hospital corridors rarely see foursomes between doctors and nurses, and very few of the surgeons sport thick gold chains, multiple finger rings, and scruffy facial hair. Talk about killing the realism!