Lightning
Video | Review by Dan Taylor
This one must have been created
by the exploitation gods (actually it was
created by Jim Wynorski, but that's as close
as we come these days). It's got it all:
a plot stolen from ENTER THE DRAGON, violence,
ninjas, breasts, blood, skinless geeks,
bad humor, chicks in cages, bimbo mud wrestling,
shower scenes... and all in the course of
90 minutes!!! Talk about brilliant!
Deftly directed by Wynorski,
THE LOST EMPIRE is one of the most pointlessly
enjoyable films I've seen in quite some
time. And it had to be good since the other
tape I rented was unwatchable (literally)
and I was not in a happy mood. Luckily,
Wynorski delivered the goods and all was
right in Exploitationland.
The flick opens with an awe-inspiring
pre-credit sequence that rivals any of the
recent Bond flicks...except on 1/100th the
budget. We're talkin' giant breasts a- flyin',
chop sockey, throwin' stars and generous
amounts of bloodshed as gook salesmen, ninjas
and cops get offed left and right. Seems
the ninjas were after one of the Eyes of
Avatar...a jewel which gives its possessor
unlimited power.
Because her brother passes
to the beyond in one of the most unbelievable
deathbed scenes in movie history (one piece
of advice Jim...stay away from the realism),
Police Inspector Angel Wolfe decides to
investigate. You know she must be the star
since she's the only female that
doesn't get naked. She recruits some sort
of Indian spirit with huge tracts of land,
plus a gum-chewing little honey from behind
bars. Together, the three set out to the
island of Dr. Sin Do for a competition to
decide who is best fit to remain by the
good doctor's side for all eternity! (Does
any of this sound familiar?)
The remainder of the flick
is spent watching bikini-clad hopefuls jiggle
'round the cardboard sets in "tests
of skill" such as running between traffic
cones and lifelessly taking swings at each
other with bamboo sticks. Eventually all
hell breaks loose and there's the inevitable
confrontation between good and evil.
Basically the film is brain-damaged.
Torrents of violence, nudity and retarded
behavior flow from this epic like it was
the Niagra Falls. Sure, the acting is barely
passable and the "giant" fortress
of Dr. Sin Do is a cheesy matte painting
that wouldn't fool a six-year old. But then
again, does it have to be realistic when
it's this entertaining?
Incredibly enjoyable film.
And, by the way, Dr. Sin Do is portrayed
by none other than Angus "The Tall
Man" Scrimm of PHANTASM
fame.
