Review by Fidge Dextro
Hyped
as the first kung-fu vampire movie, this
unequal collaboration between the Shaw Brothers
(99%) and Hammer Studios (1%) looks more
like a Godzilla-style insert job than a
fusion of Chinese and European folklore.
It's not terrible for a marketing scheme
movie, but would have worked better as straight
chop socky.
The year is 1804 and The Malevolent
Seven have lost their powers. They send
their high priest Kah (Shen Chan) to Transylvania
so he can ask Count Dracula (a heavily rouged
John Forbes-Robertson) for a jump. Drac
doesn't do favors and he's about to wring
Kah's neck when the Prince of Darkness suddenly
reconsiders. Seems the poor guy is sick
and tired of his drab and dusty castle and
desperately needs a vacation. He agrees
to help recharge the 7, but first has to
take over Kah's body in order to travel.
Why, you ask? Who knows? Nothing is ever
explained in this movie and you just have
to accept things as they go along.
Fast-forward 100 years. That
may seem like a long time to get things
going, but remember what I just said. Anyhow,
we're in China now and guess who's teaching
a course on folklore at Chungking University?
It's none other than everyone's favorite
vampire hunter, Professor Van Helsing (Peter
Cushing). Hsi Ching (David Chiang), a student
who lost his grandfather to the Golden Vampires,
approaches Van Helsing with a proposal.
Ching and his family have trained their
entire lives to avenge the old man and he
wants VH to join them for the final showdown.
The professor is game, but he points out
the journey will take enormous funding and
no one has enough money. Enter deux ex machina
Vanessa Buren (Julie Ege), a wealthy Scandinavian
globetrotter looking for excitement. She
also happens to be a big fan of Van Helsing
and offers to put up the cash if she can
tag along. Quicker than you can say chop
suey...
From here on, the movie is
a series of bloody martial arts set pieces
interrupted by Hammer's boring 1% influence.
The good guys are always outnumbered about
20 to 1 because Kah/Dracula (remember him?)
has the ability to raise an army of zombies
with the simple bang of a gong. They look
very reminiscent of The Blind Dead, yet
have the unfortunate but hilarious tendency
to skip and hop in slow motion. Give 'em
a good punch in the chest and they drop
like flies. As for the Golden Vampires,
it's a wonder how these pathetic creatures
ever came to power in the first place. They
wear gold bat masks to hide faces covered
with dried oatmeal. They have no superhuman
strength, so anyone has a fair chance in
hand-to-hand combat. You can also set these
jokers on fire, so it becomes ludicrous
that anyone, let alone an entire village,
would hide in mortal fear. But, oh yeah,
I forgot. Just accept it and move along.
I first saw this on TV in
a heavily edited version called THE 7 BROTHERS
MEET DRACULA. That's an amazing title when
you consider there's no 7 brothers and aside
from Kah and one other character (guess
who), no one meets Dracula. This version
turns an implausible story into an incoherent
mess. However, some viewers may find the
quicker pacing and greater emphasis on blood
and nudity to be an improvement. Luckily,
Anchor Bay's DVD includes both versions.
I'd advise watching the original cut first,
then decide if the butchering (15 minutes
from 89) helps or hinders. You can also
view a trailer with the even more outrageous
title, THE SEVEN BROTHERS AND THEIR ONE
SISTER MEETS DRACULA. Shih Szu plays the
"sister".
