Shock-O-Rama | Buy at Amazon | Review by Garvan Giltinan
No one expects a masterpiece of cinema from the people of Shock-O-Rama (Although, I do have a fondness for a number of their flicks: Brett Piper's BITE ME! comes to mind). However, what is expected, at the very least, is half a coherent plot on which to hang half a competent script. What director and co-writer Andrew Bellware has created, is a lackluster and lethargic attempt at suspenseful, erotic science fiction. Unfortunately the movie lacks the requisite tension to make it suspenseful and the sexual chemistry to make it erotic.
In MILLENNIUM CRISIS, Clare Stevenson plays Aurora, a woman searching for her true identity. She is also surprisingly, a Britney Spears fan – nothing else can account for that pink wig. Despite her excellent choice in pate accoutrement, Aurora been targeted by Harkness (according to imdb.com played by Tao Jones, while the box cover credits Ato Essandoh?), leader of the Kluduthu, a vampiric race who wish to use Aurora as some kind of super-weapon in their quest for destruction and suffering in the galaxy. You see, our heroine happens to be a rare breed of being known as a Bloodmask – an ancient race of humanoids who can absorb the abilities of those around them. She also happens to be the only one who can stop the Kluduthu from starting the intergalactic apocalypse.
The plot, such as it is, kicks off when Aurora, after being fired from her job, hitches a ride on a spaceship bound for Altair IV. To earn a little money, she agrees to escort Lucretia, a sultry, yet dangerous, tight-gold-outfit-wearing android. Cue some moments of un-erotic sexual tension which go nowhere. Also on board is a group of Terrain Special Forces – sure, why not. All hell breaks loose on board as the Nosferatu-Class Neuronecromotron – a failsafe beast, activated if one of the Special Forces tries to desert his or her post – awakens and goes on a rampage. The fact that the Nosferatu looks like an under-skilled professional wrestler only adds to the fun of the predicament. The monster's rampage, confined to the low-budget set, is nothing more than a slow, lumbering chase around a few pipes, where he growls viciously to make up for his lack of speed and actual menace.
Eventually seduced by the Kluduthu, Aurora has now been made one of their minions (or so it seems) and is forced to assassinate the Terrain ambassador and spark off a war to end all wars. The pain and suffering caused by this war will apparently keep the vampiric Kluduthu in snacks for some time. Thrown into the mix, we have a skinny (and un-sexy) leather-wearing assassin, prosaically named Fiona (played by Lindsey Roberts, who had a small role in 2005's HUSTLE AND FLOW), who is working under the auspices of the Kluduthu. Fiona's counter-part on the Terrain side is one Coronal Murnau (an in joke for all you vampire lovers out there: F.W. Murnau being the director of the original NOSFERATU). Murnau, we learn, in an awkward bit of exposition, is the last of his kind – a hunter of the Kluduthu – and as such is sent to kill Harkness. Get ready for the inevitable Fiona and Murnau smack down.
One of the major problems with MILLENNIUM CRISIS (unfortunately there are a number of crippling minor ones also) is that the plot is needlessly convoluted and clumsily set up. Information vital to our understanding of main characters and their motivations is withheld and consequently leads to confusion and not a little frustration. When a new world is being presented to an audience – particularly in film – the rules need to be established early. For instance, I hadn't a clue that the Kluduthu were a race of vampires. No indication is given at the outset about the origin of this race: is the odd bloody fang too much to ask for? And, unfortunately, the only character and thematic element given any kind of depth – which the script never exploits to its full potential – is Aurora and her search for identity.
Raimi himself doesn't appear until 53 minutes into the movie, yet he is given top billing. I understand, Raimi's name will sell discs. But many fans will be disappointed with Raimi's performance. The actor usually makes the most out of the minimum and has a magically quirky sense of comic timing. But here, he is given such a lax script, that his character comes across as superfluous to the story and to the development of Aurora's arc. Playing a kind of space-age anthropologist, Raimi is totally wasted as the potential love interest (another script misfire so late in the movie) for the heroine. Now, I'm all for the geek getting the girl. Very few of us dweebs get the chance to score with the spandex-clad, Britney-wig-wearing chick. But there is so little chemistry between these two actors, that much of the blame has to be placed on awkward scripting and stagnant direction. The other big mistake is the choice of Raimi's raiment: costumed in professorial tweed, Raimi looks and feels out of place in a world where everyone else wears costumes left over from an episode Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.
The movie has an R-Rating for some nudity, the majority of which is wasted, not on the attractive lead actress Stevenson, but on the skinny goth chick Fiona. Adorned in a her leather S&M outfit with what looks like a uncomfortable space wedgie, she comes across more as an aging fan of the The Cure than a dangerous space vamp. The "some nudity" consists of a badly-choreographed sword fight between Fiona and Coronal Murnau, in which Fiona fights topless. Why, I don't know; Shock-O-Rama usually tries a little harder with its T&A. Maybe the leather (and the bad lighting – see below) were just making her breasts a little clammy. Couldn't they have hired a more sexually charged and physically pleasing actress like Julie Strain? Now there's a topless fight I'd pay to see.
What this script cries out for is an injection of humor. Shock-O-Rama's reputation as low-budget film purveyors – for me at least – rests on the fact that they can laugh at themselves. The actors do an adequate job with the anemic script. However, at times, lines are delivered in such an irritatingly halted cadence – again, very futuristic – they come across as simply amateurish
Sets are basic and cheap-looking. At one stage, the set is no more than plastic sheeting tacked to a wall behind the actors. To compensate, the lighting designer (as we discover in the commentary happened to be half the production crew) overcompensates with too much emphasis on reds and greens. After all, reds are greens, as we all know, scream "futuristic". Another style choice which went beyond the irritating, were the grounded and heavily vibrant white florescent lights which seemed to pervade every scene.
A few bonus features finish out the package: an interview with Ted Raimi and other cast members, i.e. one other actor: Clare Stevenson. The actress even admits she had to read the script a couple of times to understand just what the hell was happening. Pity the co-writer and director didn't do the same. An EFX documentary reveals the secrets behind the elaborate and groundbreaking (not!) visual effects and suggests that anyone with a home computer can achieve the same ends; high praise indeed. To be honest, the effects are not that bad. Some of the 3D cityscapes are (for the budget) interesting, if a little generic.
The production commentary with Andrew Bellware and producer Laura Schlachtmeyer is unexpectedly enlightening and educational with regards low-budget (and no-budget) filmmaking. For example, Bellware reveals that some of the sets were actually his father's garage (like we couldn't have guessed). However, despite some of the negatives I have included in this review, I have to admit a soft spot for film makers who eschew major studio hoopla and work hard to get a production up and running no matter how aesthetically cheap and bargain basement the look. I will say this: many of the sets look as good as an episode of DR. WHO. One of the ones from the 70s with Tom Baker, that is. It's a pity the story and direction couldn't have been a little more cogent and creative.
