Wanted Entertainment | Review by Dan Taylor
There
comes a point in every trip to the video
store when I'm forced to narrow down the
stack of DVDs that I'm holding. And that's
when I'm at the mercy of the video company.
I have to trust that the box I'm reading
accurately represents the flick that sits
inside.
Which is how I ended up with
John Carl Buechler's MINER'S MASSACRE. The
credits suggested that the flick featured
such luminaries as John Phillip Law (DIABOLIK),
Karen Black (HOUSE
OF 1000 CORPSES), Richard Lynch (THE
SWORD AND THE SORCERER), Vernon Wells
(THE ROAD WARRIOR) and Martin Kove (STEELE
JUSTICE). Even TAXI's Jeff Conaway pops
up as the flick's flashback sequence preacher.
It's not like I went out and willingly rented
something starring such noted thespians
as Brad H Ardin, Carrie Bradac, Alexandra
Ford, Rick Majeske and Elina Madison.
Oh, wait, maybe I did.
A few minutes into MINER'S
MASSACRE (aka CURSE OF THE FORTY-NINER)
and it became readily apparent that I'd
fallen victim to the DVD box equivalent
of three card monte. Sold on the flick by
the likes of Kove and Lynch, I never bothered
to check my mental movie databank to see
if I'd ever laid eyes on the likes of Ardin,
Bradac, Majeske and Madison. Hell, that
sounds more like the partners of a cable
channel law firm than the stars of a decent
horror thriller.
Which would be accurate since
MASSACRE isn't even a horror flick that
can be enjoyed in a "hey let's grab
a few beers and yell things at the screen"
kinda way. Nick (Sean Hines) accidentally
re-animates some kind of super-human miner
zombie in the flick's first few minutes,
then pays for his indiscretion. An envelope
with a map and a nugget of gold ends up
in his sister's hands and she assembles
the most unbelievable group of horribly
mismatched "friends" to go search
for the treasure.
Straight from Central Casting
we have the Fighting Couple and the Horny
Duo, as well as the aforementioned sister
who brings along her boyfriend. We know
they're a couple because they have almost
the same highlighting to their hair. Throw
in Eve, a na•ve backwoods bombshell
who studied at the Donna Douglas School
of Acting and you've got, well, a bunch
of people you don't care about at all. What
follows is a by the numbers horror flick
that isn't bloody enough for gorehounds,
doesn't have enough T and/or A for horndogs,
and throws in a Z-grade TREASURE OF THE
SIERRA MADRE moment to add insult to injury.
As for the "name"
stars, Law and Black have the most screen
time; enough that you can almost justify
their names appearing in the credits. Conaway,
Kove and Lynch are relegated to one scene
apiece, making their presence on the set
barely worth mentioning. Much like MINER'S
MASSACRE.
