Seduction Cinema | Buy at Amazon | Review by Jonathan Plombon
As a provocative exposé about the creative process that writers follow, Seduction Cinema's THE NAUGHTY NOVELIST falls just a tad short. This blatant disinterest by the filmmakers to stress the importance of proper writing first arises in the title displayed on the DVD packaging (packaging that looks strikingly similar to that of THE EROTIC DIARY OF MISTY MUNDAE). For as naughty as the main character is, a novelist she is not. She only writes short stories.
However, as a series of illogically plotted scenarios that shallowly link together a story that thinly involves the creative process of writers, THE NAUGHTY NOVELIST exceeds all expectations, not only with its curvaceous visuals, but with its potpourri of extremely noticeable errors – like the cameraman's shadow that appears on the right side of the screen at an hour and fifteen minutes into the film.
But there's more to gaze at than just that.
The raven-haired Seduction Cinema regular, Darian Caine, assumes the role of "Darian," the sexy short-story scribe of which the title refers to, who embarks on her pursuit of journalistic prosperity by answering a nondescript classified ad for writers. She exudes confidence venturing into the interview, having "worked with a lot of major publications" and having "a piece on public housing that made the national media."
The editor (A.J. Khan) is less positive, hesitantly informing the potential employee that she's auditioning for a publication entitled "Flesh for Fantasy." Darian's public-housing piece may have dealt indirectly with moving boxes, but the editor explains that this publication caters exclusively to boxes. "Flesh for Fantasy," in other words, is eroticism written by women for women. While Darian admits her inexperience in the genre, the editor suggests she tries writing one story anyway.
And try she does. In her underwear. She taps away at the keyboard, in black stockings, imagining an entry that perfectly fits the women-writing-for-women criteria: a brunette simulating fellatio on a banana who points out that in order "to get a guy really turned on you have to learn how to give an incredible blowjob."
"Are you giving the banana a blowjob?" her friend, clad in pink undergarments, asks. When her instincts prove correct, the friend replies, "I think it's kind of gross." Not ten seconds later, the friend helps to fellate the banana. "Can you show me how to do it?" she inquires.
Whatever the soft-focus lens doesn't blur out, the glaring light does, which reflects off the skin to such an extent that the women appear to be radioactive, although it's a very romantically atmospheric radioactivity. What the lighting sacrifices, it makes for with a dreamy quality, as the girls are surrounded by a beige-and-light-purple motif, which complements the tenderly soft spooning that segues into climatic meeting of spread legs, arched backs, and upturned lips.
The banana story incites a hormonal overload in the editor, and when confronted by her assistant (Jackie Stevens), she dips her pen in the company ink. The film continues this formula, transitioning from hanky-panky with the characters found in Darian's stories (played by Claire Davenport, Jenna Jones, and Juliet Janes) to inappropriate interoffice relationships with Caine, Stevens, and Khan. The idea is that the Caine's manuscripts are so amorously potent that they sexually inebriate the characters to the point that they're drunk with desire.
Here are some examples of that literature: "She was wetter than Shamu in an aquarium," "Beth gives oral pleasure to a stiff banana," and "Taylor and Cagney are standing naked in the shower, enjoying their nude, supple bodies as Taylor pours cold milk over Cagney's heaving breasts." Quality based on subjective reasoning aside, the last two excerpts are in present tense, and read more like a script. Plus, the second sentence could be more effective had it been rewritten as "Taylor and Cagney stand naked..." without the to-be verb.
But it probably doesn't matter, because closer examination reveals that when Darain is shown typing, she regularly pushes a series of random buttons on the third row of the keyboard, regardless of whatever the hell the voice-over narration says. This means that the keys possible are A, S, D, F, G, J, K, L, and a colon (to be fair, she uses backspace occasionally). But it probably doesn't matter that it probably doesn't matter that she's only typing with nine keys, because one scene clearly shows that the screen is black and the laptop isn't even turned on.
Nonetheless, THE NAUGHTY NOVELIST shouldn't be evaluated solely on its inaccurate portrayal of typing, but on its other types of fingering between the likes of Stevens and Khan when they're locked in fleshy tussles during proofreading. The positions attempted between the two scorchers sometimes offer no practical vaginal orgasmic function, but are no less jaw-dropping, such as when Khan pins Stevens to the bed and performs a masculine probing motion on her behind where no probing can logically occur without some sort of phallic object included.
It doesn't deter from the exuberance of the actresses, who moan anyway, especially Khan, who, unlike the other actresses that largely remain silent during the pairings, spews forth commentary. Her dialog can usually be categorized as either sensually suitable or very befuddling.
The suitable: "Have I told you how fond I am of the work that you do here?" she rhetorically asks while her hands massage Stevens. The confusing: "I love writing all the stories that we write." The befuddling: "I want to spread my White Out all over you," Khan, obviously a woman, remarks.
Now, the closest ivory substance that can be projected from a human, and that would be fitting for a film of this kind, has been scientifically proven as originating only from a member of the male species. This concludes one of two things: either this hints at an unused secondary plot concerning gender-uncertainty from the Khan character, or it's a film written by men for men even though the stories contained within the film are supposed to shed light on latent desires that manifest strictly in women.
On a completely unrelated note, John Bacchus and Michael Beckerman wrote the movie.
Caine plays the reluctant subject well. However, she obliges the advances of Khan and Stevens rather quickly and makes that "Oh, what, I can't believe you want to do that to me" expression even after the surprise of being accosted by the "Flesh for Fantasy" staff should have worn off by the third time they've had sex together in the office.
There's still plenty to drool over, whether it be the constant caressing or the fruit-related fetishes mixed in with the harder-edged spankings and milk-licking by girls wearing leashes. A shower shared between Stevens and Caine highlights the disc, as the steamy droplets of condensed moisture cascade down the lengths of their backs and pool into various lower-level cracks and crevasses, while they trade kisses on sides of thighs.
I've studied a few of these scenes several times (some more than others; Caine and Khan cuddle well together), and there are shots that tend to detract from a viewer's possible immersion. It's unlikely that Darian would be so adventurous in real life, but at least she gives the impression of enjoying herself as she's spread across a desk while her editor delicately brushes her hair back and comments about looking for paper clips.
Nevertheless, at the fifty-minute point, one actress (who also has a habit of looking at the camera) clearly sets her face five inches away from her bent-over partner whom she's supposed to be licking. It's not even close. Usually there's a head positioned to obstruct the camera's view to create some illusion, but this time she's obviously licking air. Would this mean that the story that Darian is writing would read, "And she passionately licked, her tongue grazing nothing in particular, while her partner, either possessed or confused, reacted to it anyway"?
It's never explained.
There are other things left not included. THE NAUGHTY NOVELIST provides no chapter menus, but the extras do include twenty-one Seduction Cinema trailers, eight of which contain the word "erotic" in the title, including THE EROTIC GHOST, THE EROTIC SURVIVOR, and THE EROTIC SURVIVOR 2, as well as three Darian Caine featurettes. The disc doesn't come with any liner notes or a booklet detailing the production, but the cover is double-sided, with various unclothed stills decorating the inside.
Snafus aside, the late-night-cable lesbianism of THE NAUGHTY NOVELIST runs rampant for ninety minutes, barely halting long enough for the women to exchange names before dispersing of bras and flicking empty spaces again.
It's as sexy as it is problematic – which makes it very sexy indeed.
