Imagine
Home Video | Review by Dan Taylor
The
great Wings Hauser made his stunning big-screen
debut as "Ramrod" the coat-hanger-wielding
psycho pimp in VICE SQUAD, a 1982 exploitationer
that also featured Season Hubley and MTV
vj Nina Blackwood. Hauser was best known
at the time for his role on the TV soap
'The Young and the Restless,' but the flick
launched him on his way to straight-to-video
stardom. In the years since he's been hailed
as 'The King of Video' and even appeared
in extended guest stints on 'Roseanne' and
'Beverly Hills 90210' during its later years.
It was inevitable that Hauser's
obvious charisma and unavoidable screen
presence would lead to him being cast as
the anti-hero in films like DEAD MAN WALKING
and NO SAFE HAVEN, a low-budget actioner
that recently made its way to DVD. And before
you get your hopes up about commentary from
the star or other special features –
as did yours truly – they didn't even
bother to letterbox the thing. It's still
the same damn full-screen print I saw on
VHS a decade and change ago, complete with
the occasional boom mike.
Written by Hauser and then-wife
Nancy Locke (who also plays hairy-underarmed
Peace Corps worker Roberta), NO SAFE HAVEN
barely has enough story to justify its running
time. Hauser is Clete Harris, a CIA operative
working at a listening post in Honduras.
It's payback by the agency for going "too
far" on a previous assignment. While
Clete does his time in Honduras, his drug-running,
point-shaving star football player brother
decides to double-cross some drug lords
and breaks his own arm rather than throw
the big game.
He probably should've been
privvy to the flick's over-the-top (and
pointless) pre-credit sequence in which
drug gang enforcer Manuel (Branscombe Richmond,
best known as Bobby Six Killer on TV's 'Renegade')
and his greasy co-hort gun try to gun down
a rival in broad daylight and eventually
cause a sped-up accident between a cement
mixer and a packed city bus. If he'd seen
that, maybe "Buddy" wouldn't have
double-crossed them.
As expected, the double-cross
has what can only be described as disastrous
results. Manuel and Co. shoot mom, inject
kid brother with drugs, and do something
to Buddy, though it's so horribly scripted,
shot and acted that it's hard to tell just
what that "something" is. (And
speaking of bad acting, it's no wonder that
Richmond has flown under the radar in small
roles and stunt work all these years. His
Manuel is one of the single most over-the-top
and extraordinarily bad performances I've
ever witnessed.)
Cue Hauser looking totally
pissed off and you can see where this flick
is going. I'd say it "almost writes
itself," but from the lazy plot advancements,
sloppy pacing, inexplicable scenes, and
snooze-inducing "action" I think
it DID write itself. In one of the more
head-scratching moments a drunk Hauser bangs
a big-boobed blonde in the back of her car
for no reason other than to have a topless,
big-boobed blonde on screen. Not that there's
anything wrong with that...
Clete calls in some favors
within the agency and gets the lowdown on
who might be responsible for the execution
of his family. Once he has that info, Hauser
is in full-blown revenge mode, lighting
guys on fire, running people over with boats
and scaring drug cartel heads into leaving
the country. Once out of the USA's "safe
haven" the sleazy drug lord is fair
game for Wings's unique brand of justice.
Or, as he puts it, "There's all kinds
of ways of keepin' the peace."
What's most bizarre about
the flick is that once he locates the thugs
he bumps them off in surprisingly efficient
fashion. He barely gets a hair misplaced
and with the help of Randy The Junk Guy
(Robert Tessier who also starred as Mr.
Shokner in the great Burt flick THE LONGEST
YARD) wipes out a South American drug operation.
Through it all, Hauser's "hero"
maintains an edgy, wild-eyed rage that's
one step away from the psychos that he plays
so well.
A dud of an action flick from
a man who should know better.
