Exploitation Retrospect | The Journal of Junk Culture and Fringe Media
One Eyed Monster (2009)
Liberation Entertainment | Buy at Amazon | Review by Sinferno

Bad things always happen to aged porn stars, things far worse than dying of old age or perhaps worse yet, living to the ripe old year where seeing them naked; having sex anymore would be akin to, well, the opposite of Viagra. They can die in suicides like Savannah, they can perish from AIDS as in the case of John Holmes, or they can expire under the usual “mysterious circumstances” as in the case of the recent expiration of Marilyn Chambers of Ivory Snow/BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR fame. But perhaps the worst thing of all that can happen to an aged porn star is they can be cast as themselves in budget B-movies where they are forced to make a living parody of themselves and their careers, to turn a buck. Such is the case of ONE EYED MONSTER which starts porn everyman Ron Jeremy, and his co-star Veronica Hart, both of them well-known veterans of adult film. It seems they have expanded their repertoire as porn actors since they have retired, now appearing in career killing movies like this that no one will admit to buying either. What a stretch!

This movie tells the story of a porno shoot on location in a desolated cabin where something terrible happens. No, one of the actors didn’t fail their sexual disease screening, (Now that would be a horror movie). No, seriously, aliens come down, zap Ron Jeremy in the penis while he urinates, and ultimately cause it to detach from its body, slithering off his body like a slimy, brown rattlesnake on acid. As if this wasn’t a big enough WTF moment for the viewer to swallow with his popcorn, the penis itself starts sexually assaulting the rest of the crew, burrowing into them in ways, and places, (orifices actually) that you might expect a bestial, disembodied penis to. After “the one eyed monster” successfully burrows into a victim, the human victim either expires, becomes a host body for the penis capable of actual speech communication with the remaining victims, or simply breaks in half. Ultimately the penis can’t decide what should happen to the victims, and apparently the director couldn’t either.

For those of you scoring at home, this movie is essentially the same movie as Ridley Scott’s ALIEN. It has the same intrusive little life form with the same tendency to drip gooey fluids onto it’s victims faces from the ceiling before it strikes them, and the same motion detector that “pings” dramatically as the creature gets closer. Of course, any film centering around the production of an adult movie must have its share of nudity, and OEM has some, but the sex scenes are mere distractions, and whether speaking of the usual R rated fake sex or the attacks themselves which are never truly depicted in real time, there is no convincing penetration anywhere, either real, depicted or implied in this film. For a movie about a ravenous, disembodied dick that craved human flesh in every possible way, it’s onscreen depiction could have used some harder scenes, some “balls“ if you will.

Sinferno Says...
Yucko/Neato Factor: The basic premise of this movie is the epitome of everything I love about underground film (sexy, violent and morally reprehensible). But they lose a finger for never making me care about the victims, and another finger for never making me hate the monster. I wanted to love this film, the moment I read the synopsis, but it cock blocked me.
Production Values: A rubber puppet penis attacks a porno movie set? What a waste of good latex. Bad blue screen work for the vehicles in transit. Still, the sets were realistically crummy as any amateur porn set you may have seen.
Realism: Bwahahahahaha! No.
Value for Price: $19.99? For this price you can actually see Ron Jeremy and Veronica Hart doing it in various films, before 1979 when they were fresh, and so was this premise (Alien hadn’t been released yet).
Plot: Sometimes I miss the honesty; the sheer unpretentious sensible utilitarian functionality of pornography. Where a rubber dong was always merely a prop, never a title character.

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