New Star Video | Review by Dan Taylor
Let's
take a little trip to Umlanga, Africa where
the military police have tossed Tanya Roberts
into PURGATORY. The major question posed
while viewing this flick was, "How
much would we have to pay them to keep her
there?" And what an appropriate question
it is...
Tanya, for those of you who
have short-term memory, was the last and
the dumbest of 'Charlie's Angels,' quite
an honor when your competition includes
Cheryl Ladd and Shelley Hack. She was also
the worst of the Roger Moore-era Bond Girls
and she was no great shakes as SHEENA, QUEEN
OF THE JUNGLE either. In fact, Tanya's best
roles seem to come in flicks where her dialogue
is limited and her two main talents are
largely exposed for all to see. At least
in PURGATORY they got one half of the equation
right.
Playing a Peace Corps volunteer
(excuse me?!), ol' Tanya finds herself smack
dab in the middle of an African country
under martial law. "So much for the
Peace Corps" our bubble-headed buxom
blonde chirps as she and her best friend
head for the airport. On their way, they
pick-up a hitchhiker, an act of kindness
that will haunt them for the rest of their
lives, or at least for the next 85 minutes
of my life. As luck would have it, the hitcher
turns out to be a drug smuggler, and he
gets killed in a set of really ironic circumstances.
Hey, who's to believe Tanya and the also-bouncy
Julie Pop???
Well, nobody to be exact,
and the two find themselves rotting away
in Rampot Prison (aka "Purgatory")
where they are told to adopt a "sorta
zen attitude" in order to survive.
Julie fails to do this, continues to believe
in the goodness of her fellow man, and winds
up hung from a bedsheet in the psycho ward
for her troubles. Upon seeing this, Tanya
uses those two assets I mentioned earlier
and turns to screwing the warden and hooking
in the local brothel in order to survive
– and she doesn't even do this convincingly.
In the film's highlight (aka "scene
where the most empty beer cans were thrown
at the screen"), she runs to the bathroom
after giving a fat, sweaty guy a blowjob
and goes to puke... but takes the time to
toss her long, now-golden locks over her
shoulder in order to deliver the most fake
street pizza in the history of cinema.
Since this is a Women-in-Prison
flick you have to expect at least one catfight.
And that's exactly what we get... one. In
fact, it barely deserves to haveing the
word "fight" as a suffix. It takes
nearly an hour to occur, but it consists
of a chick trying to take Tanya's money,
who then takes the money back. END OF FIGHT.
This also brings to light
one of the real stumbling blocks for the
flick, and that is: Tanya Roberts' Transformation
From Whining Pain in the Ass to Gun-Toting
Escapee. Heck, sounds like a good topic
for a Film History 101 term paper! For the
first hour or so of the flick, she whines
and cries her way through scene after scene.
Then, like the Holy Spirit descended upon
her or something, she's a new chick and
isn't taking any shit from anyone... sorry
Ami Artzi (producer/director) and Felix
Kroll & Paul Aratow (writers), but that
is one tough pill to swallow, and I just
ain't buyin' it!
