BCI/Eclipse | Buy at Amazon | Review
by Louis Fowler
In the second installment of Deimos' awesome Welcome to the Grindhouse series, this time they dip into the Crown International vaults for a pair of surreal sexploitation shockers that don't titillate as much as they infuriate, and I mean that in the best way possible.
Jay North – TV's Dennis the Menace, all grown up and gawk – co-stars with Angel Tompkins in THE TEACHER. As you could guess from the title, Tompkins is the titular teacher who, bored of nude sun-bathing in the summer time air, seduces and bangs the shit out of young Dennis. Where's Mr. Wilson when you need him? So if all that illicit intercourse wasn't enough, he's also gotta deal with his best friend's shell-shocked Vietnam Vet older brother, who, in addition to stalking the teach (and presumably masturbating to her constantly nude visage), is blaming him for the accidental murder of his brother.
Of course, in real life, this could have all been solved if Dennis had just gone to the cops, but instead, he would just rather screw the teacher on a boat. Later, when he tells his parents, even they say that going to the cops is lame and it would ruin his summer. Those are some cool 'rents. They even don't have a problem with him banging the teacher. It's all about growing up, they rationalize.
THE TEACHER would have been sleazy enough with just the instructor slash seductor plot, but the addition of the murderous pervo 'Nam vet took the story to a whole other skeezy level. Maybe the filmmakers thought they were making a bold stand against the war? To add sexy insult to injury, the relationship between the mother and Dennis is also very creepy, with a slight Oedipal twinge that makes many of her comments (including one about her wish to date her son) slather a real freaky cast over the flick.
But even that is tame compared to the hippy-dippy and very trippy psych-fest PICK-UP. I still have no idea what it is that I just watched, but here goes: two groovy chicks catch a ride with some dude in a tricked-out mobile home down in the Florida Everglades. When a storm causes the trio to pull over, they get stuck and then magically go on a LSD-fueled trip, leading to all types of dirty hippie sex, nude cavorting in a graveyard and sheer pretension.
Finally, some action comes when a group of rednecks exact their backwoods revenge, but even that's all for naught when the out-of-left field conclusion comes. Yes, PICK-UP is Jodorowsky for total retards, but that's its half-baked charm.
A prefect addition to the Welcome to the Grindhouse library, this pseudo-sexy double-feature is about as ridiculous as it gets. Newcomers to the grindhouse ethos will be befuddled, but fans will be right at sleazy home, hippie bush and all.
