Exploitation Retrospect | The Journal of Junk Culture and Fringe Media

Rectuma (2004)
Buy at Pirromount Pictures | Review by Sinferno

Does this look familiar? It should. In theory, this is the exact same film as ONE-EYED MONSTER, an odd story about a poor man's penis that becomes an evil, ravenous monster, detaches from his body and leaves its victims covered in a sticky mess. This not-so-classical story of a set of "naughty bits"-turned-evil is pretty much the same strange premise of RECTUMA, and if you haven't figured out the crucial difference between the premises of the two films by looking at the title and cover art, well, then I dare say you are probably too young to be watching these sorts of movies at all.

As is necessary for all movies which tell the story about a mild-mannered man who eventually becomes an insidious bloodthirsty monster, RECTUMA's protagonist is Waldo Williams, a mild-mannered postal clerk whose hot, slutty wife Valveeta is far beyond his caliber. Not only does she flaunt her extramarital affairs in front of Waldo but she actively seeks to end his life by trying to drop boxes on him and serves him sodas so poisonous that they actually emit smoke (just one of many classic comedic gambits in this film that appear nowhere in this world outside a cartoon). And it seems his problems are just beginning, while on vacation with his wife it seems his rear end was copulated by a "horny toad" who left something insane, otherworldly and evil germinating in Waldo's nether regions. Of course his wacky quack doctor only gives him four days to live, but little did anyone know that inside meek Waldo was an evil A-hole waiting to exact revenge on everyone who ever wronged him, however literally.

That's right, Waldo's buttocks detach from his body and attack anyone who ever hurt him, bursting from his jeans in the same close-up camera work as the Incredible Hulk TV show from the 70's. At first, Rectuma, the savage sphincter, is content to murder his cheating ex and her lover then calmly return to the backside of Waldo (with no indication of its true nature other than a tell-tale trail of fecal matter which leads straight to his bed).

With such a trail of evidence it isn't long before Waldo is being interviewed by two wacky cops: Detective Cippola, a policewoman who is constantly channeling Jodi Foster as Clarise Starling in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS; and, Detective Cosacco, an aggressive macho male cop whose aggression and intimidation is only matched by his comedic incompetence. When these two drag Waldo down to the interrogation room and start kicking his ass, it detaches and starts kicking back, attacking Cosacco violently and overwhelming him with brute force and a mouth placed where you would expect it to be were you to be attacked by a pair of beastly butt cheeks.

Now that his cover is blown, Rectuma escapes, grows to an immense size and starts devouring the city while poor Waldo is forced to spend the rest of the movie with a pillow strapped to his backside. Eventually, the monster is stopped when a Middle Eastern terrorist named Magna Cum Laudin is persuaded to launch himself into the lumbering rectal cavity of the monster by tying himself to a shoulder-mounted rocket so he can ignite a suicide bomb comprised of military explosives and Mexican food. And after that things start getting a little weird...

As you can surely imagine this was a stupid premise, laughably done and filmed on a shoestring budget, but I must concede that it made me chortle uncontrollably more than anything I have seen in a while. I can't decide whether the fun was intentional; whether I was actually laughing with it or at it. Either way, RECTUMA was some fresh monster madness and a much better film than that same old "cock and ball" story of ONE-EYED MONSTER.

Sinferno Says...
Yucko/Neato Factor: A pre-pubescent potty joke picture that was somehow funnier than shit.
Production Values: Cheap production values and review disk arrived two to a CD case with Magic marker labeling.
Realism: Duh!
Value for Price: For $20.00 you are the verge of paying too much (ie, losing your ass).
Plot: The plot was a bigger hole than Rectuma itself.



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