Review by Louis Fowler |
Available from Synapse Films | Buy at amazon.com
A typical American... um, I mean Canadian family is going about their morning activities, happy as can be, not a care in the world. Junior's getting dressed, dad's shaving and mom is making her world-famous scrambled-egg and bacon-chunk breakfast casserole with Mr. T cereal topping.
Yep – it's a Norman Rockwell glimpse of Canadacana.
And then, who spoils the tranquility but a skeletonized Hellspawn, reaching out from the oven and pulling mom (and apparently, the whole family) to Hell. Why? I have no clue, but I'll be damned if it's not one of the best opening sequences I have ever seen in a movie.
Yes, it's typical of our neighbors up north to live in haunted, evil farmhouses with possessed ovens, but unlike us here in the states, where we call a "priest" to "exorcise" the "house", the Canucks have got a much better idea: hire an Intercessor! What's an Intercessor? Patience. I'll get to it.
Canadian heavy-metaller Jon-Mikl Thor is, in all his uber-buff, blond-tasseled brilliance, John Triton, lead singer of the hair metal band the Tritonz. The band, in need of new material, decides to hole up in an old farmhouse, where, unexplainably, a demon popped out of an oven and killed a family ten years earlier. Not only is the farm a great place to stir those creative juices, it's also a great place to stir bodily juices – non-stop sex is had by every band member. What better way than to celebrate the successful performance of a song like "We Live to Rock" than some simulated on-screen dry humping?
So in between the balls-to-the-wall rocking out and the walls-to the-ball cocking out, the band members are possessed one-by-one by various demons, most of which resemble the offspring of a Muppet and a dirty latex condom. Said demons pop out of chests, peep over counters and, most interestingly, take on the form of buxom metal sluts, all with the goal of moving Satan's plan of... um, actually, I don't know what Satan wants with the band. But I'm sure he knows what he's doing.
About an hour in the flick, it's pretty much your basic horror flick. No real deviation and, if you've never seen it before, you're gonna think that you know what happens. But then, ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE, out of nowhere, transmogrifies into a brilliant schlocker with a shocking, ludicrously awesome twist that I'm surprised M. Night Shyamalan didn't have anything to with it. Just when John Triton is about to be taken by the demon (while calmly writing songs and drink Coca-Cola Classic), it is revealed that he's no typical heavy metal singer – he's a heavy metal demon-slayer! That's right – John Triton is actually the God-sent angel Triton, an Intercessor! – who, instead of having a wussy wings and halo combo, has a metal loincloth and a penchant for dismissing the devil with his superhuman strength! It's an epic battle of good and evil, God and the devil!
Synapse's DVD is a head-banging sight to behold – featurettes include rare behind-the-scenes and make-up footage, music videos, a history of Jon-Mikl Thor, as well as an entertaining commentary that's way more informative than I would have expected.
Filled with gloriously unironic hair metal, shimmering, chain-mail codpieces, dripping skeletal demons and more rockin' than the Whiskey on a Friday night, ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE is one of the greatest b-horror films ever. Ever, I say!
