Fox
Home Video | Review by Dan Taylor
Whew, that's one long title!
In fact, it's so damn long that it gave
me even more time to ponder just how many
things are horribly wrong with this dog
of a movie.
Let me set the record straight,
before any naysayers hop into the fray and
accuse me of being anti-STAR WARS. Quite
the contrary my potato-chip-snarfing, pocket-protector-wearing,
internet-porn-masturbatin' friends. I was
there on opening day in 1977, a fresh-faced
10 year-old lookin' for a little summertime
fun on a Friday afternoon.
I
probably saw STAR
WARS a half-dozen times that summer
and fall, even winning some paraphenlia
in a local newspaper contest with an essay
on the film and using it as my jumping off
point into the world of self-publishing with
HAN SOLO, a fourth-grade piece of
fanboy garbage. Hey, what do you want – I was TEN!
By the time EMPIRE arrived
in 1980 I was older, wiser and just beginning
to discover the wonders of darker, dangerous
cinema thanks to our newly-installed cable
and recently-purchased VCR. Much to its
credit, EMPIRE dispensed with the feel-good
vibe of STAR WARS and gave us interesting
concurent storylines, our first real look
at the power of the Dark Side and an unresolved
ending unheard of in a major blockbuster.
Too bad that Lucas blew it
all to hell in RETURN OF THE JEDI, the most
disappointing piece of the trilogy and an
insult to each and every SW fan with an
IQ abover retard. Remove the rescue of Han
Solo from the hands of Jabba the Hut and
this is about as interesting as that long-forgotten
'Star Wars Christmas Special.' Unfortunately,
as lame as JEDI can be, it's light years
better than the monumentally dull, stupid,
sloppy, lazy and boring PHANTOM MENACE.
Frankly, I'm not even sure
where to commence ripping. Frank. We could
begin with the obvious, attacking Lucas
for his sheer inability to direct actors
anymore. Let's face it...Big George hasn't
directed a film since 1977 and it shows.
Natalie Portman, so graceful and vivacious
in THE PROFESSIONAL and BEAUTIFUL GIRLS,
is wooden as The Queen. Oh, and what democracy
has a queen?
We could attack the blatant
racism that courses through the flick like,
well, something that courses through something
alot. The sleazy traders who make side deals
with "The Emperor" (it's Senator
Palpatine you morons!) wear long robes,
speak in thinly-veiled Chinese accents and
toddle around with lotus eater hats on their
noodles. Hmm. Or how about the big, fat,
hook-nosed Jew of a slave-owner/junk-dealer?
It's a good thing that little Anakin (Jake
Lloyd) is such a happy slave, too. In fact,
he's probably the happiest slave I've ever
seen. Does Lucas even know what slavery's
all about? It's equivalent to a comedy set
in a Nazi POW camp... oh, right.
And who can miss the fact
that the film's most annoying character
– Jar Jar Binks – is a cast-off
from the Steppin'Fetchit films of yesteryear.
Guess George sees the days of bug-eyed negros
unable to speak "our language"
as hilarious fodder for a summer blockbuster.
Gee, I hope Steven Spielberg was proud of
George for the way he drove home racial
stereotypes that've been considered distasteful
since the days after WWII.
I wish that the only problem
with THE PHANTOM MENACE were the wooden
acting and Lucas' lazy racism. Too bad that's
only scratching the surface.
At least STAR WARS and JEDI,
as the bookends of the saga, featured a
sense of urgency. In both films the Death
Star was nearly on-line and operational.
A near-suicide mision was needed to take
the battle station out and save the rebels.
PHANTOM MENACE features such exciting concepts
as a trade embargo, a pod race (we'll be
nice and call it an "homage" to
BEN HUR), and an end battle between easily-defeated
battle droids and the Africans, er, I mean
Jar Jar's people. Not that it all smacks
of scenarios from the first three flicks...
One can only hope that Lucas
will seek an outside director to handle
the remaining segments in the story, one
who will bring a darker vision and shy away
from having the future Darth Vader say things
like "Yippie!"
