Which is the bigger stretch in SHADOW CONSPIRACY: that a shadow gov't is operating in the upper echelon of the Executive Branch, or that we're suppoused to buy Charlie Sheen (!) as the Special Assistant to the President of the United States of America? You have exactly five seconds to come up with your answer. Unfortunately, the tape didn't self-destruct.

This long-on-the-shelf George Pan Cosmatos (LEVIATHAN, TOMBSTONE) thriller stars Sheen as Bobby Bishop, a political whiz-kid who works for the President (Sam Waterson). We know he's a whiz 'cause he scuttles a brewing scandal through the use of phony voices, guile, and charm. What is this? FLETCH GOES TO THE WHITE HOUSE? Oh, and if you missed it, Ben Gazzara and the guy that plays the head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff are bad. We know that because of the look they give each other during a meeting. Shit, they might as well have had big fucking neon signs that said, "I'm Involved!!" in flashing letters. But, dear viewer, who else is in on the conspiracy? Here's a hint: Jurgen Prochnow and Jeroen Krabbe are nowhere to be found, but Donald Sutherland is.

The flick -- which was savagely thrown to the wolves the same weekend as STAR WARS: THE SPECIAL EDITION -- starts off with a bang. Several bangs, in fact, as a group of government watchers get popped at their think tank in the woods. One, of course, escapes and tries to warn Bishop about the traitors lurking in the President's cabinet. Unfortunately, he gets his skull aerated in Sheen's arms on the streets of DC, leaving Bishop in a FUGITIVE-like situation as the killer tries to kill him and he can't be sure who to trust. (Some hitman. He kills a bunch of fat, old brainiacs, lets one escape, couldn't kill Charlie Sheen if his life depended on it, and even fucks up his chances to waste the President!)

Along for the ride -- eventually -- is Amanda Givens (Linda Hamilton whose career has slipped backed to KING KONG LIVES!-territory despite her brief hitch to James "King of the World" Cammeron). Seems the dead prof was her source on a related news piece, she used to date Bishop, and she becomes embroiled in the frame-up and Bishop's plan to save the President.

Joining the list of wasted talent are Nicholas Turturo (NYPD Blue), Terry O'Quinn (THE STEPFATHER, 'Millenium'), and the guy that played the asshole teacher in THE BREAKFAST CLUB (Paul Gleason).