You can imagine my surprise.

Watching the ads for THE SUBSTITUTE I reasoned that it was simply a weak hybrid of RAMBO and the epic CLASS OF 1984. The paint-by-numbers storyline all but leapt through the screen into my cynical lap: Gung-ho military boy (Tom Berenger continuing his role from the lame SNIPER) becomes a subtitute teacher in a gang-infested Miami high school after his woman is attacked.

Don't I have egg on MY face! Yes, the bare bones of the above plot structure does exist, but I NEVER expected it to feature: high-tech mercenary shenanigans; an evil Ernie Hudson (as an ex-cop high school principal on the take); William Forsythe in another chameleon-like role; and, Cliff DeYoung (the government windbag in CARNOSAUR 2) as a farting drug lawyer who talks about the finer points of fiber.

Frankly, I knew that I was in for a wild ride when I saw that the screenplay received contributions from both Roy Frumkes (STREET TRASH) and Alan Ormsby (CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS, DERANGED). This puppy is super-charged with 900 times more story that I ever thought it would have (or thought it deserved), and there's enough action to make you pass up the latest Michael Dudikoff or Jeff Speakman actioner. (Actually, I'm begging you to pass up the latest Jeff Speakman... that way he and Ron Silver will both fall lower on the direct-to-video foodchain.) Imagine a weird parallel universe where they cross breed tv shows and end up with THE EQUALIZER MEETS THE WHITE SHADOW. That gives you a fairly decent idea of what's in store in THE SUBSTITUTE's classroom.

Though a bit long for its intended audience (clocking it at 114 minutes... shorter than Oliver Stone, but way longer than Fred Olen Ray), the flick delivers a night of junky drive-in qaulity fun.