Full Moon Video | Buy at Amazon | Review by Sinferno
With a name like "Tales of the Saddle Tramps" the mind of even the most competent reviewer boggles. I mean what could this movie possibly about? Judging by the cover which features a scantily clad gunslinger with magic gats and a pupil-less thousand yard stare that would even make Stephen King's Gunslinger character flinch, I am guessing it's some sort of hard boiled western about futuristic strumpets who are homeless, (timeless?) and survive as soldiers of fortune, robbing people (most likely gullible horny men) then quickly escape through the next dimensional gate to escape prosecution and avoid justice, and better yet stay young forever, because time/age itself is really the silent killer both for aspiring B movie actresses and outlaws of the western days of yore. (Their careers both irrevocably end about the time their bodies begin to flap in the breeze). This film however is about none of these things and even the cover itself has nothing to do with the movie. The cover model (Taimie Hannum) actually portrays an Indian in the film (the ideological opposite of a futuristic cowboy). And the two main characters in the film (not shown) are modern women sucked into the violent days of the old west, not as gunfighters, but as whores; comfort women; burlesque girls who specialty is making love, not war. And despite the depiction of ray guns, flying saucers and other Sci-fi staples the only thing alien or otherworldly here on the actual film is the plot itself which is so scant, faint, and far gone that it would take the S.E.T.I. project to find.
The reason why this review is admittedly so ponderous, wordy and assumptive is actually a litmus test for the reader to decide on whether "Tales of the Saddle Tramps" is something they want to see. If you have spent more time reading the review thus far than ogling the movie cover, you may want to try another title and disregard the rest of this hot mess, but if the fact that the woman above looks smokin' hot and you wish to see her and other hot women involved in soft-core scenes; impromptu vignettes that have nothing to do with anything even and especially the scenes in the movie that explain why they get naked to begin with, Well then Pilgrim, climb aboard the stage and take a travel through time with me to the new frontier-the old west. And if that doesn't make sense to you, again stare a the photo until it doesn't matter anymore. It's okay, I'll wait....
SADDLE TRAMPS is the story of two modern age women Grace and Jennifer who have become bored with their passionless marriages. In the first five minutes of the film Grace actively screws a busboy, and conversely, Jennifer is turned down by her husband after a sexy striptease because he is busy finishing a work project on a home computer. Hot, bored and full of discord they accept a complimentary ticket to a western theme park on the outskirts of town to amuse themselves while their husbands finish up their work related meetings as both men are not only friends but corporate heads of the toy industry, (where I assume they are killer doll designers as this is a Full Moon feature) but I digress. The women poke and prod around the worst reenactment Western park in history until they are sucked into a mirror found in the back room of a bordello, emerging in the 1800's; the actual days of the old west, where they too will become women of comfort, to survive. Holy Shit! Talk about a tourist trap!
Despite what may seem to be a cruel twist of female fortune and a demeaning destiny worthy of a dumpster full of tear sodden Lifetime movies, our intrepid heroines quickly take to being the most popular rides in this strange theme park as they use their wiles (and every horizontal surface) to explore their world and find a mirror which will take them back home. But despite this duplicitous sex filled existence not like they are actually two-timing or anything. Grace's husband the cuckold is actually the town sheriff in this dimension and Jennifer's beau is the town priest. But all is not well in the old west. Eventually a town deputy, (a cretin that makes Barney Fife look like Columbo) is murdered and Grace is framed for the murder and is scheduled to be hanged. As every other plot development in the film, the conflict is caused and ultimately solved by lots and lots of impromptu love making. This film has quite a few sex scenes in it, starring with beautiful women who love with reckless abandon and are only reigned in by the plot and the razor thin discretion of the camera man who artfully manipulates every last angle of the action to get that all important "unrated rating". However, if the special lady in your life likes a softer story of surreal sexuality this temporal trip through the "Mild West" might just be the snake oil that puts the High Noon on your sexual sundial for a night of romantic viewing.
Eventually, the women escape from town, back into the looking glass from whence they came and go home to their husbands who are suddenly very attentive, loving and completely romantic. Who says that extramarital/inter-dimensional affairs always turn out badly? I guess that's why they say "Time heals all wounds". Bwahahaha..... Kill me!
| Yucko/Neato Factor: The women are very beautiful. The depiction is soft-core. If this sounds good, these time stealing saddle tramps will "suck your clock". |
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| Production Values: I assume most of the budget for this film went to the talent and I am guessing the currency of choice was stacks of filthy one dollar bills. |
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| Realism: I never knew they had breast augmentation in the 1800's? |
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| Value for Price: For $9.98 the value is apparent for unrated action such as this even as some of the scenes are (obviously) obscured. |
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| Plot: Time Barbarians + Westworld = Breastworld |
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