Something Weird Video | Buy at Something Weird | Review by Sinferno
Nazis: the would-be destroyers of all goodness in the twentieth century world, and the prime movers of exploitation films. Whether it is the black uniforms, the absolute respect they command, or the torture/ murder resources they have at their disposal, few can argue that they are the perfect heavies to torment the soft bodies of innocent women in sexploitation films. Torture me, Kiss me is one of the oldest movies of this savage sub-genre I have ever seen, and it does show it's age. Yet for those of you Nazi nuts who simply don't know the difference between "Reich and Wrong" in your viewing tastes you might as well follow the link and hit add to my cart now, because for $10.00 this isn't the worst you have seen.
Nazi Max Von Hildebrandt is a Renaissance man of sorts when it comes to evil protagonists; he is a man who is adept at making both love and war. After a morning orgy in his office, he is off to France to battle the resistance movement in the French countryside, with Ilsa, his secretary (not that Ilsa). After raping a deaf girl in the countryside (who may have been a partisan collaborator) and sentencing the priest who came to intercede on her behalf to death by firing squad, it is easy to see that Max is trying to be the baddest Nazi that ever put on a fake cinematic Gestapo uniform (I am becoming quite a connoisseur of German period military uniforms of the day after having seen so many movies like this).
But even more counterfeit than Max's wardrobe is the heart of his faithful secretary Ilsa, for whenever he busies himself torturing this person or that and generally being an asshole, Ilsa sneaks off to meet the French freedom fighters and generally undermine him at every turn.
Eventually, Max declares martial law on a nearby French village through the combined arms of Stuka dive bombers and splices of real World War 2 stock footage. Romantic that he is, Max likes making the earth move the old fashioned way in bed, by making love to his Ilsa with the sounds of falling bombs and devastation from the next town vibrating the bed like a coin operated bed in a cheap motel, adding to the nuances of the act for him. Meanwhile, a couple of mysterious local women celebrate freedom by stripping in the countryside and engaging in lesbian sex then eating a banana together very slowly and deliberately... which I assume has something to do with wartime rationing? But Max has no time to concern himself with such tender girl on girl embraces. Purely for kicks, he visits his friend "Erick the torture master" and forces the topless all women prisoners to whip each other for a while. And they do it just as well as any man could, making this scene a rare moment of equality between the sexes just when you thought this thing was another misogynistic sleaze show. Good for you, ladies. Good for you.
The ending of this thing, written from a time where plots were still complex and fulfilling, is almost worthy of Hitchcock even though I have seen more realistic Nazis on Twilight Zone episodes from even before 1970 when this thing came out. Still there is something about watching Nazi Sexploitation in black and white that just ads a dark authenticity all its own for this reviewer.
| Yucko/Neato Factor: Lots of boob shots and, like all unrated films from this era, most of the craziness of this one takes place in the implications of the action onscreen, not the depiction of it. The Nazi sexploitation formula had not been perfected yet, but you can see the themes of "sexy" torture, mutilation and murder begin to emerge which would eventually be done to death by the end of the 1970's. |
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| Production Values: Black and white footage, but that works better for me here for reasons I previously mentioned. Moreover, the vehicles, soldiers and architecture were scant, but spot on. |
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| Realism: While Nazi officers lived life of decadence, privilege and mayhem, they were actually trained to be methodical as well as tyrannical in their deeds. Max is just a standard B movie boogeyman in a better suit. Still the production values were good enough to sell this story on crude symbolism. |
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| Value for Price: For $10.00 this is fair provided you really better really like "Nazi themes," and by that I don't mean the orchestral music of Wilhelm Wagner either. |
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| Plot: Goofy, but still contains a twist ending that could teach that M Night Shyamalan a few things. |
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