I was reading an article at
Pitchfork
Media about the "world's worst
record covers" and it got me thinking
about my own record shelves. Did their selections
have anything on the misguided audio visual
atrocities sitting right within reach? No,
they don't. Here are some of the high –
or low – points of the ER Record Collection...
Dulcimer:
Old Time and Traditional Music
Played by Ralph Lee Smith with Mary Louise
Hollowell
This cover
puts the "dull" in dulcimer by
asking the question: What's more boring
than playing the dulcimer? How about
sitting there watching somebody play
the dulcimer. Double threat Don DePoy both
produced the disc and took the scintillating
cover shot. Includes a booklet with chord
samples, photos, lyrics, history and more.
Oddly enough, this is not the only dulcimer
LP that I own.
Here's to
You from Polka Happiness
Phil Crysler Band
Polka band
records feature some of the most uniformly
awful and unappealing jackets you'll ever
find, and this visual atrocity from the
mean streets of Youngstown, Ohio is no exception.
Photo looks like it was taken before or
after a gig at the local tavern with backup
members relegated to wearing matching sweaters
and drinking from faux pewter tankards while
Phil gets to wear whatever he wants and
drink from a huge fricking glass mug. Photo
doesn't do it justice but Phil is wearing
a giant 'PHIL' belt buckle. I've had this
LP for at least three years and just realized
that the second person from the left is
a woman. I wonder what the three band members
relegated to the back cover photo only did
to piss off Phil.
Watch Over
My Little Girl
The Vibrators
Apparently,
nobody at Green Dolphin Records saw the
creepy irony of five guys – from a
band called The Vibrators –
crowded around a little girl at a playground.
Just looking at this cover makes me all
itchy skitchy and the liner notes by "fan"
Paul Morrison are no less bizarre. The band
is described as "mellow, rugged and
exciting" with various members singled
out for their "dazzling" fingerwork,
"maniacal" drumming, and "masterful
melodies." Among the songs savaged
by these beefy Steel City amateur hour castoffs...
"Jive Talkin'", "Why Can't
We Be Friends", "Living for the
City" and "The Way We Were."
One of those thrift store masterworks that's
as great to see as it is to hear. In fact,
I'm listening to it right now and if you're
good I'll post an MP3 of the mind-blowing
title track in which a terminally ill widower
begs the man upstairs to watch over his
little girl.
Colonel
Sanders' Tijuana Picnic
A George Garabedian Production
In my role
as The
Hungover Gourmet I've been busy collecting
and cataloging food- and drink-oriented
records for an upcoming installment of the
zine and I'm pleased to report that the
folks at Kentucky Fried Chicken once produced
delicious food and decidedly oddball
LPs with alarming frequency. Now they do
neither. This is one of at least four Colonel
Sanders-themed slabs of vinyl that I'm proud
to own and maybe the one with the oddest
cover. I don't know about you, but it looks
to me like the poor Colonel has fallen down
in the park next to this family that has
been hit with some sort of ray gun that's
frozen them all in mid-motion! The then-76-year-old
Colonel relays his thoughts about the LPs
songs on the back cover, and he somehow
works a KFC plug into each little nugget.
As a bonus, the jacket features Colonel
Sanders' Famous Picnic Menu which shockingly
includes Buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken
as well as six side dishes readily available
from your local KFC.
Iceberg
Doesitlive
Allegedly celebrating
his "100th Week at Walt Disney World",
the title of this LP is open to interpretation
depending upon the punctuation mark you
envision at the end. As does the cover photo
which makes Iceberg – who is owed an
apology by all the "Ices" that
have followed – look like some sort
of Steven Hawking wannabe captured in the
midst of a painful seizure. Or at least
a pinched nerve. The back of the LP is equally
frustrating, with the text spaced out over
thirty-two 1.75" x .50" white
labels.
More
Awful Covers
